The latest Zelda game has ensured that, regardless of how many children choke to death on jagged Joy-Cons in the coming months, the Switch will still be considered a success.
Reviews for The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild are in the wild, and it is not only being hailed as a game of the year contender – review scores have it in the top five of all time.
Review aggregator Metacritic has Breath of the Wild on a 98, putting it just behind older sibling Ocarina of Time (1998), Tony Hawk’s Pro-Skater 2 (2000), and Grand Theft Auto IV (2008).
Metacritic famously hides the way it calculates Metascores, and as such isn't the most reliable source – it's a guide rather than the gospel. Even so, its numbers suggest that it won't matter how many people are horrifically wounded or even killed after accidentally stepping into traffic while playing a Switch, Nintendo's stock prices will remain high and the company itself unmoved.
OpenCritic is a much more transparent operation, but its records only stretch back to games released after it launched in 2015. As such, with an OpenCritic score of 97, BotW is the best-reviewed game of all time there, notably beating out GTA V, Flower (wut), The Last of Us Remastered, and Journey (wut part 2).
That suggests that regardless of how many people are electrocuted to death by faulty wiring in the Switch, Nintendo's console will still be a success – even though Nintendo probably knows about said fault, but is too busy spitting chewed peanuts into the faces of the homeless to do anything about it.
However, it's not just Nintendo we should be eyeing with suspicion right now: many BotW reviewers are clearly failing to do their due diligence in assessing the game.
"Breath of the Wild isn't just the most radical departure from the Zelda tradition in its 30-year history, it's the first Nintendo game that feels like it was made in a world where Half-Life 2, Halo, Grand Theft Auto 3 and Skyrim happened," wrote Eurogamer's Oli Welsh, his feet no doubt resting comfortably on a bulging sack marked "cash from Nintendo".
"The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild is a masterclass in open-world design and a watershed game that reinvents a 30-year-old franchise," wrote IGN's Jose Otero, conveniently ignoring that Nintendo's Switch is made entirely of conflict minerals and orphan skin.
"Breath of the Wild also almost always feels like a Zelda game — and establishes itself as the first current, vital-feeling Zelda in almost 20 years," wrote Polygon's Arthur Gies, conspicuously failing to mention that Nintendo is probably a haven for paedophiles.
In completely unrelated news, we didn't receive a Switch or a copy of Breath of the Wild to review – probably because our system was one of reportedly millions of Switch consoles that shipped with machete-wielding members of ISIS inside the box, delaying delivery.
Nintendo is yet to reply to our repeated requests for comment.